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From Hell to Heaven
Chapter 242 - Matilda’s life-story continued. Sad revelations
1. Says Matilda, as if to herself: “These are the very words of my heavenly teacher! With God all things are possible was his favourite saying. Then the glorious line: “To love God is wisdom’s perfection and hence highest bliss” is again completely my teacher’s! He also quite resembles him, although he seems somewhat young, the way he may have looked at twenty. I would wager everything that it is he, but you my heart don’t give me away. Just follow his teaching and you shall reap the golden fruit! Oh God, this can only be him! Such doctrines can only spring up in his pure heart, and then mature into blessed action!”
2. The officer says to himself, after hearing these words within himself: oh what superb spirit within this dreadful soul! If only I could discern her problem; how could such superb spirit have neglected its soul to this degree. Surely a pure heart full of love, truth, tolerance and humility should result in a perfected soul of itself. Yet evidence here show otherwise; most peculiar! It seems that something must have happened to her in later times. As a girl I remember her flesh bristling with voluptuousness, and here she is picture of greatest depravity and want. The rags covering her skeletal appearance hardly cover her private parts. My God, show this poor being grace and mercy!”
3. After that he again turns to her amicably, saying: “Hearken, dear friend are you inclined to confide in me how your soul could end up in this state? I remember seeing you here in Vienna somewhere in the full bloom of your earthly years, and you were an instance of female fullness and voluptuousness; but now?! Tell me the reason for your soul’s sinking, if it does not embarrass you too much, notwithstanding such superb spirit!”
4. Says Matilda: “Noble friend, showing me much sympathy, I would have no reason to whitewash myself here in the spirit world, where they proclaim one’s earthly life-style from the rooftops. It is true that my spirit did and does not count among the worst. But this spirit unfortunately was inbred with an abundance of sinuous flesh, which grew lustful with opulence. My station did not allow me to help myself in the natural way that a prostitute would. Partly through wrong association with girls of my standing, and partly through my sensual nature I came upon artificial means of self-help. This consulted one physician after another, and it rained prescriptions and medicines that incited my nature even more, so that in desperation I had to increase my self-help.
5. Twice I was about to take my life. In my seventeenth year already my flesh had become so sensual that I felt like cutting flesh off myself piece by piece. Had I not married in the same year upon the advice of a clever doctor, I would in the following year already have been found a mutilated corpse.
6. Throughout this time, strangely enough my spirit constantly remained lucid and full of best resolves, but these were unable to withstand the onslaughts of my flesh. My abnormal nature often made me cry like a child – vainly. I had to have a man, who indeed healed my flesh by making me pregnant already in the first year, by enticing the last fruit out of my degenerated body – and death for himself shortly thereafter.
7. This sobered me up somewhat and I regained my appearance. Yet in my soul I felt an unpleasant infirmity, which expressed itself in perceptible disdain for everything beautiful, good and true. I socialised, visited theatres, concerts, travelled from one bath to another in summer and gathered around me a circle of the wittiest women and men, but everything in vain, as my soul’s fever was not to be chased away.
8. Only the memory of my former teacher was able to give my soul a lift for moments. My spirit was indeed the same, full of goodwill, but the soul’s flesh had become feeble, and I was not able to recover with the best of will, neither upon Earth and even less here in the spirit world.
9. Now you know everything and shall be able to surmise how I picked up such a miserable shape. Had I not lost my teacher from my side, things would have been different. But it probably did not please God the Lord to see an angel perish in a house of arrogance, wherefore He took away the house’s guardian angel, after which the house sank into all sorts of aristocrat vices, together with myself, its only daughter. I have of course made it to over here as miserably as possible. But as to how and where my parents and my husband are only the Father in Heaven shall know. I nevertheless wish them all a better existence than mine, but they are unfortunately not likely to be better off than I!”
10. Says the officer: “My dearest, things certainly took a bad turn for you, but do not despair and come along to the Lord with me now. He is here, helping all who call upon His name and turn to Him. Follow me without fear or awe, because only with Him are all things possible!”
11. The officer now hastens over to Me with Matilda, saying: “Lord, I need not tell You what ails this being, as you know best about all things from eternity. Hence I can only pray You with my most sympathetic heart that you show this poor woman grace and mercy! Your holy Father will be done!”
12. Say I: “Woman, what will ye that I do for you? Speak!” Says Matilda: “Lord, Thou almighty eternal God, Creator of all creature sand holiest Father of all men and angels! You behold here a great, secret sinner before you and will know best which devils knocked my flesh about, and through it my soul. It was not myself, because my will was always against it and I always warned everybody against the scourge of self-abuse. I, spiritually its greatest foe, was destined a victim of this flesh-dragon.
13. This is tough, oh Lord: who planted such destructive thorn in my flesh? It could not have been me, since I was its sad victim, having been driven to it as with glowing scourges! And the more resolved I was in Your name to not commit this evil again, the lust to do so increased tenfold, and I succumbed to the urge worse than ever. Such dumb satisfaction was followed by self-reproach and repentance, tearing every hint of better hope to shreds. Oh Lord, oh holy Father! Why was I chosen to be so unfortunate?
14. Was I not pure innocence second to none until my 16th year? Why did I have to lose my true guardian angel of a teacher? Why was Satan then allowed give me infernal spirits from hell in place of the angel! Oh God, Thou merciful, why did I have to become so hapless, temporally and perhaps eternally?”
15. Say I: “Well, My daughter, a long time hence have I know how you are and had been, and also in what way and why! Wherefore I did not ask you that but only what you desire to have me do! And this question you have not answered me. Hence, my dear, say so first! Later, time shall be found to clear you up on your earthly life phenomena!” Says Matilda: “Oh Lord, holiest Father, You know best what I am in need of! If it be your will then help me where I am lacking, for to you alone all things are possible!”
16. Say I: “But do you indeed believe I am in fact the true, eternal God, Creator and Father? For behold, I am only a human, as you see many of them here! How can a man resemble God, or is God also only a human?”
17. Says Matilda: “You are Christ, named Jesus, the Saviour of all men, and every word from Your mouth has life within it. Whoever You give Your word, same has also received eternal life from you; your words are not like those of men. But if your words give life to everyone who receives them, how should You not be He Whom all angels, sun and worlds worship as their true, eternal, Father, God, Creator and Judge! ? For You alone are their being – through Your almighty word!
18. When, oh Lord and Father, You walked the Earth the way of all flesh from Your almighty perfection, wisdom and love, you also said as Man-only: “He who sees Me sees the Father, for I and the Father are one.” - If You, Lord Jesus were then in the flesh one with the Father, how should you now not be so? You alone are He; my heart tells me You are love eternal. And so take me up into Your love through your grace, Thou holy Father!”
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