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Main Page From Hell to Heaven RBLUM-6 Chapter

From Hell to Heaven

Chapter 6 - Outer peace, inner disquiet. What is life? Desire for the assurance of faith leads to prayer. Thoughts for wife and children.

1. After these words, Robert goes dumb and quiet of mouth, but is that much more stirred of heart. This again annoys him, as it causes him to detect more life and expanded consciousness; the quieter externally, the fiercer the inner stirring. The more he tries to suppress this, the more it multiplies.

2. This drives him to a new kind of desperation and fury. It impresses upon him even more assertively that he cannot rid himself of tiresome life in this way; hence he talks again:

3. “Now, in the devil’s name, I really want to know what this stupid pig’s life actually is of which there is no riddance! Have I not seen thousands die – they went dead, and not the minutest sign of life remained! Decay was the end of their being. These surely can have no further consciousness; or should these also have some kind of life outside the body, like myself?

4. “I am unable to actually suffer death. Who is maintaining this my burdensome life? You who had me shot – you did not have me shot to death but to life! If your accomplices have such effect upon your enemies, then save yourselves the trouble. For you wanted to take from me what you cannot eternally give back to me; how I laugh at you now! Because I, whom you wanted to render dead, am alive. But you who deem yourselves alive are now ten times more dead than I, your victim!

5. “All would be fine if only I had the tiniest beam of light! - The devil take this total darkness!

6. “What if I am to endure this condition forever? Be damned! What if I am already a spirit? This would be a nasty state of affairs! No, this I cannot believe – not eternal life being possible. Yet it seems quite a long time to me that I spend in this darkness already. A few years must already have passed? Only some light, light and all should be fine!

7. “I must admit that I would rather be one of those silly fellows who believe in the Son of God and heaven, together, of course, with eternal death, the devil and hell, dying in good conscience with such delusion, rather than finding myself here with all common sense but total lightlessness! But can you blame me? I sought truth steadfastly and believed to also have found it. But of what use, if there is no light within it?

8. “The best about me is my steadfastness and total fearlessness. For were I a timid person, then this condition should beset me with deepest despair. But it’s all the same to me!

9. “My wife and children are of course starting to stir in my heart. The poor ones shall suffer intense sadness and worry on my account, but what can I do for them in this state? Nothing at all! – I could of course pray, but to whom and to what end? My best wishes for them in my heart are of course my truest prayers which are certain not to harm them, even if not benefiting them. Yet I know no other prayer – excepting the widely known Roman ‘Our Father’, ‘Ave Maria’, and other such drivel! But this would trouble my well-read family. – Yet they are not to know what I’m doing here!”

Main Page From Hell to Heaven RBLUM-6 Chapter